The case of Cockney shark
and what to know when you meet one
First of all, there’s a list of words- look it over. And don’t skip anything because if you think you will understand what your shark will be trying to tell you, well, I got news for you — ya won’t! Second of all — be a well-rounded individual, ya know? Those sharks are wicked smart and you never know what they will be willing to discuss that day. Third.. uuuhh..Bring soda. Yeah, soda! And DONT STARE. ‘Cos that’s just impolite. Thank me later- Wiley Nelson 13 years old. Maine. 1985
Wiley’s list of cockney phrases to live by:
- Day’s Dawning- means good morning
- Kitchen sink- probably a drink (?)
- Bell ringers- must be fingers
- Up the apples OR apples and pears — going up the stairs
- Pin pegs- clearly, this means legs.
- Ice-cream -I hope it means “cool” (actually means Gtentleman)
“DEREK!?” I heard an urgent whisper coming out of the phone receiver. “Derek” (Pleadingly) I need you to come down to the pier”
“Well, hello to you too..”
“DEREK!” he hissed back “Ayy needyou tocomedown tothepier now!” I could hear him talking through clenched teeth, as if trying to not be overheard.
“Geez, Ok! Is everything alright?” and suddenly, on the other side of the wire, my friend’s voice broke into a high pitch and he spat out: “Thereisasharkhere” deep breath “and it is talking nonsense!” A heavy cockney accent reached my ear, floating somewhere above my unnerved friend: “Is it ow-rite then, mayt?” and I could hear my friend nervously answering the mysterious voice in a fake-calm manner: “Indeeeed!” and then shooting back into the transmitter before hanging up: “Get over here!”
Our town sits mostly empty during the summer break and having no better plans for this Wednesday anyway, I hopped on my bike and wheeled over to the beach. I noticed them from the top of the hill and paused for a moment to evaluate the situation. The only two people on the long stretch of sand, sitting on a bench, talking. Everything seemed normal. I pushed off the ground and streamlined down the serpentine road to my friend.
Wiley heard the soft crushing of sand under my wheels and looked over his shoulder goggle-eyed and it made me snort. When a gentleman in a tall top hat leaned behind Wiley to take a look at me. His stretched physiognomy was white and he beamed at me with an awful wide smile full of mangled oversized teeth. I froze, unable to make out the features of his face. Where is his nose? What’s up with his ugly mouth?
“Day’s Dawning!” the creep said cheerfully and touched the rim of his hat with a rounded palm. Wiley shot up from the bench and lurched to me, trying to detach my white fists from the handlebars.
“This is Derek, the friend I told you about!” He chippered to the gentleman. “I told you!” he whispered to me, undoing my fingers one at a time, scooping me under the elbow and leading me to the stranger. Naturally I leaned back a bit, but my loyal friend embraced and pushed me forward. He tried to sit me on the bench and I fell, righteously missing it. Without breaking the eye contact with the freak I groped for the very edge of the bench and carefully sat down. The freak studied me with curiosity.
“Mm-hhm..” he rumbled and I shrunk. “Mistah Bates, Squire” he stretched out his fin for me to shake, I took it. I was taken aback by the roughness of his skin and how cool it was to touch.
“Derek” I whispered parched.
“-Ay, we could ol use a kitchen sink, amiroit?” and he guffawed, exposing at least ten rows of rugged teeth. I exchanged glances with Wiley, who was quite puzzled himself, but proposed a drink motion with his hand.
“I have orange soda in my backpack” I offered meekly to the Gentleman. He nodded and I passed him the can. The shark looked down at it, then at me and said:
“-Will you, mate, don’t ‘ave them bell ringers” And he wiggled his fin in my face. Wiley grabbed the can out of my hand, opened it and sauntered to the shark, who has opened its jaws. He lowered his hand halfway into it’s mouth and trickled the soda in. When this off-putting scene ended Wiley gave me a “stare” and pushed me to sit closer to the Gentleman-shark, thus sandwiching me.
“Mistah Derek,” began the shark smacking his invisible lips “Would you be so koind to ‘splain to me the political system of your gov’ment?” He quietly nodded along as I mumbled something about the senate and the constitution. The number 435 seemed to especially peak his interest, as he marveled at how big the Capitol building must be to accommodate so many people.
“Excuse me, Sir” I bleated “Where are you from?”
“Hmm?” The shark was deep in his thoughts and this question seemed to have confused him. He pulled an old political trick and asked a question in return: “Where d’ YOU think I’m from?”
“The ocean?” And I felt like a complete idiot saying it out loud.
“The ocean eh?… So be it. Now gents, would you take me up the apples?” And noticing our perplexed expressions he motioned to the stairs leading to the pier. “Don’t ‘ave them pin pegs eytha” he broke out in another roar of laughter wiggling his tail. Wiley and I grabbed him under the fins and gently carried the Gentleman-shark to the pier. He wasn’t too heavy and kind of shuffled along the sand, quietly enjoying himself. We reached the pier and he scanned the harbor. Then he looked at both of us and said:
“You two are propa ice-creams” and bellowing “Laters!” lunged in the water. We stood for a moment, watching the water circles. Wiley lifted the top hat that must have fallen off during our walk, and put it on his own head.
“ ‘Ow do I look?” he asked me
“Like a proper ice-cream, I guess.. Hey you wanna go get a cone?”
“Sure! But can you pay this time? I spent my last cents on calling you” he grabbed my arm and spoke re-assuring me “I’ll give it back! I’ll write a book about this.. or a manual. Yeah, a manual! I’ll call it “What to do when you meet a cockney shark” or something.. and will sell a million copies.”
“Sure thing, pal!” I chuckled “What else was he talking about before I came over?”
“I dunno called someone a plum, and said that he needs to find some Vera Lynn”
“Who’s Vera Lynn?”
“How should I know.. but clearly it’s not YOU. Did you see how his face fell when he saw you?”
It was an odd mid-summer Wednesday, in the mostly-empty town in Maine.